After 5.5 years of blogging, mostly on political stuff, I'm on every mailing list known to humankind, and I get more press releases than you can shake a keyboard at. In all that time, I don't believe I've ever gotten a press release as weird as the one I got yesterday with the subject line "Man Assaulted by Nightclub". I don't know about you, but I was unaware that a nightclub was able to commit assault. Turns out it was the bouncers that did the assaulting, which at least makes sense. Why this merited a press release, however, and why it was sent to me - did I mention that the nightclub in question is in San Antonio? - is one of those eternal mysteries.

I reproduce it below for your amusement. In the interest of not providing gratuitous publicity for the individuals involved in this tete-a-tete, as well as providing a few cheap giggles, I'm removing all of the names and replacing them with substitutes. Read and enjoy.

San Antonio, Texas, May 16, 2007 - A young man was severely beaten by at least two bouncers at [Nameless] Nightclub in January 2007. He has filed a lawsuit today alleging assault, negligence and vicarious liability against the well-known venue.

On January 21, 2007, [Joe Anonymous] was celebrating his brother¹s birthday with their cousin at [Nameless] Nightclub on NW Loop 410. At approximately 8:30 pm, Mr. [Anonymous] attempted to pay his credit card tab with cash. His waitress became infuriated with his request to pay cash and called for a bouncer. The [Nameless] bouncer pulled Mr. [Anonymous] to his feet, grabbed him by the neck and led him outside.

As soon as Mr. [Anonymous] was thrown out the front door, another bouncer tackled him, knocking him to the pavement face-first. One bouncer then straddled Mr. [Anonymous]'s back and continued to pull his arm backwards, causing severe injuries. Another bouncer viciously and repeatedly kicked Mr. [Anonymous]'s face, nearly breaking his jaw. A large pool of blood eventually covered the ground outside the front entrance of [Nameless]. During the attack, the
manager idly stood nearby. Mr. [Anonymous] lay bleeding and unconscious. Mr. [Anonymous]'s brother repeatedly pleaded for an ambulance and police; the manager refused to call.

Mr. [Anonymous] was treated at [St. Elsewhere] Hospital. He suffered lacerations, bruising, torn ligaments and a nearly broken jaw. He continues to undergo medical treatment and therapy for his injuries.

[Hugh Louis Dewey] of [Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe, PLLC] filed suit against [Nameless] and
its bouncers on May 15, 2007. The lawsuit has been filed as [lawsuit number]. "This type of behavior is unacceptable and purely criminal in nature. Bouncers of any nightclub are supposed to protect, not instigate," said [Mr. Dewey, known to the Curt Schilling Souvenir Sock vendors in Harvard Square as Huey Louie Dewey]. "We will work expeditiously to ensure a fair and just outcome for Mr. [Anonymous]. He has suffered tremendously for no apparent reason," insisted
[Dewey].